By Stephen Propst
When we’re dealing with a mood disorder, simplistic, superficial comments — however well-intended — can diminish our energy and dedication, which are required for managing this difficult diagnosis.
Bipolar: A Chronic Condition
People often make comments to me such as, I thought you’d dealt with that. Or, You mean you still get depressed?
My reply is that living with bipolar is still a big deal. I struggle with depression routinely, mania occasionally, and the overall impact of the condition daily.
Over the years, people have suggested that I should: find the right Rx, exercise more, get a job, get over it—you get the idea.
Such simplistic, unrealistic statements do more harm than good. A chronic, complex condition requires consistent, comprehensive care. A quick fix doesn’t cut it!
Good Intentions with Bad Consequences
Friends and family usually have the best of intentions. But some suggestions—even when not meant to be hurtful—can have negative consequences. Superficial comments can diminish the dedication required to deal with a difficult diagnosis.
In tense times or any really stressful situation, I have to double up on maintaining my mood. If others respond by doubling down on me, that can further aggravate matters. (Interestingly, I’m finding that people are typically more empathetic when we’re all confronting the same challenges!)
Take a moment and think about what you’ve said to your loved one. Do you ever make potentially problematic comments like, You’re not trying hard enough. You’re worked up over nothing. You’re lazy; you just need to get a job. It’s all in your head.
It’s time to make your conversations more constructive by using encouraging, empowering statements like, Never give up hope. Let me know how I can help. I know that finding the right treatment is not easy. There’s no way for me to fully understand all you’re facing, but I’m always here for you.
Constructive Conversations with Loved Ones
Family and friends play a vitally supportive role in the lives of people with bipolar. We know you want what’s best for us. Occasionally, however, you may say something that’s more hurtful than helpful. Such words and actions can have unintended consequences. It’s worth examining what interactions might unintentionally have a detrimental impact on a person’s battle with bipolar.
Here are five questions to ask yourself.
Am I unknowingly making life more challenging for a loved one by:
#1 Emphasizing a problem rather than a person?
It’s dehumanizing and demeaning to dwell on a diagnosis. It’s much better to focus on what makes someone a uniquely special person.
#2 Dishing out more criticisms than compliments?
The last thing your loved one needs is negativity, which merely reinforces unhealthy thinking. Instead, do what you can to promote maintaining a positive perspective.
#3 Trying to enable more than empower?
Being there for someone in a beneficial way can be very supportive … however, it’s important to avoid getting overly enmeshed in someone else’s situation.
#4 Evaluating symptoms more than successes?
You can sabotage a person’s desire to confront his or her condition if you constantly evaluate symptoms. It’s far more productive to point out successes—including the little ones!
#5 Focusing on lecturing rather than listening?
It’s understandable that you want to tell another person what’s best to do. But it’s better to listen to what he or she is saying and then ask how you can help.
Treatment Challenges — with Support
Effectively managing bipolar involves many components—doctor visits, therapy consults, medication management, mood monitoring, sleep hygiene, support groups, and on and on. Family and friends can either bolster or belittle such a complex, challenging undertaking.
Supporting someone facing a mood disorder can be challenging, confusing, tiring, and trying. It makes no sense to make life more difficult for everyone involved—even unintentionally—by speaking without thinking. Doing so can be demeaning to your loved one and damaging to your relationship.
When you take time to carefully and compassionately consider the potential consequences of what you say, you can change circumstances for the better!
Used by permission.